For those of you who have girls, you probably won't comprehend what this feels like to a mother of two boys. I feel like if I don't have a girl something deep inside me will have died. Throughout you life you have hopes and dream of what your future will look like. You visualise yourself in scenarios that can sound trivial, but are actually real milestones. Buying pretty dresses, taking your daughter to her first ballet lesson, being there to talk to her about boys and telling her about your experiences. Being the mother of the bride. Being involved in those first precious moments when she has her own children and not just being the "interfering mother-in-law". My heart aches for those moments.
Up until now I have shared those longings with many girl friends, but it's always superficial tittle-tatter. No one is close enough to me, or has completed their family for them to really understand.
Now my best friend has had a girl on Tuesday.
I feel like something has come between us, like she will never really understand that deep longing to share my house with another female. I am so delighted for her, I really am, but when I found out, I can't deny that there were mixed emotions. The first urge was to run out and buy pink, but when I found myself in the baby department of John Lewis, it hit me like a brick wall. IT'S A GIRL. YOU DON'T HAVE ONE. I cried, right there and then and believe me when I say that I had to hold back what could have been an incredibly guttural cry, unleashing all those emotions that I have held back since my 20 week scan. My second son is now six months old.
I am writing this in tears. It is something you can't really say out loud without people judging you.
Do I love my sons? Of course I do. With all the world. They are wonderful human beings. But there are times when I want to scream. Today I was in the gym. My 3yo was playing in the soft play area. My 6mo was asleep on the sofa. I was reading Raising Boys. One father of a, what I would assume, 2yo was sitting there with his mate slagging of women, including his wife. I took an instant dislike to his behaviour, but ignored him. Later, when my 3yo was starting to get board and, admittedly was probably being a little boisterous, he kept coming over to tell me my son was miss-behaving. No one else was complaining, not even the children - his 2yo wasn't even in the soft play FFS! It was like some pathetic little school boy telling tales. I felt like decking him.
To an outsider, this wasn't a big deal. He caught me at a bad time and what I really wanted to scream was "do you know what it's like to have a boy? DO YOU? You sit there with your precious little angel, acting all bloody righteous, like it's all down to the parenting. God I hope you have a boy, then you'll understand you pathetic waste of space."
Clearly I didn't, but now I've written it down I feel remarkably like I got a weight off my shoulders!
Tonight the most beautiful thing happened. I was watching Tangled with my 3yo after my 6mo had gone to bed and when the credits started to roll he stood up and asked me to dance with him. We had a wonderful couple of minutes dancing in each others arms. He was hugging me tightly and stroking my back. I was weeping silent tears over his shoulder.
When it had finished I said to him
"promise me one thing, when you get married, after you have had your first dance, please dance with me, I love you so much".
He promised...
